6/12/07

// feeling ::
// prayer for ::

Ah.

Wanted to blog because, well, felt like it.

Few things have been on my mind. I had this dream. Weird but comforting dream. Remember, whatever that I'm going to say next is just a dream! So dont misunderstand.

Well, I dreamt that I had twin girls. Just like my and my sister. Anyway, I figured in the dream that it was Chris'. But I was alone with the babies. All by myself. In some foreign room.

Then I was at the office next. Chris was in this team meet-up with Mr Kit, the topman of the company. He knew I was standing there, but he sorta ignored me and turned all of his attention to the speaker. Well, it was nothing surprising about that. He always did that. Work is his number one priority.

I felt so forlorn, so lonely, so abandoned. Wondering how could he treat me this way when I had kids to look after? At that time, another senior manager my position came up to me and said he heard that I just had twin girls. We chatted, and I told him the father was Chris. He was like, are you sure? It could be someone else.

I was stunned, then he told me that Chris wasnt the father. He was.

Wow! I was so shocked! At first, I couldnt believe it. Well, more like didnt want to believe it. But he explained (I forgot what he said) and I believed him. And he told me he'd take care of me and never leave me alone. Now, I felt relieved, thankful that it was him and not Chris.

Then, a bunch of immature distributors pulled me into their team cubicle and started asking me stupid, nonsenstical questions. Apparently they were jealous of me or something because I had the support of that manager.

They asked one question I couldnt answer, and I wished that guy was there to help me. Right then, he came up, answered for me and told them to back off. Then, he put his hands on my shoulder and asked if I couldnt answer any other questions in a whisper. I was overwhelmed.

The feeling.....was that of having someone to protect me. Someone really there for me, who'd sacrifice anything for me, to keep my safe from harm and to be sure I wasnt bullied. It wasnt that I liked that guy who said he'd take care of me. Its more of the actions he took for me. More of his promises, the security he gave me.

And it made me realise how much I yearned for that. Not how Chris treats me now. I need someone who can protect me. Be there for me.

And thats hardly what Chris is doing now. Its either I accept and sacrifice for him or I lose him. Alvin said I'd find someone who will be like the man in my dream. I guess I just have enough of feeling abandoned.